ghost pages

 i like the concept of using pages to call upon a ghost. maybe ive been listening to too much tma. i still have that notebook you bought for me - you know, the red one that fits in my pocket. where did you buy it again? i guess it didnt matter. what mattered was that it was mine. summer 2023 before it all crashed.

the summer we met up to study together and i didnt do anything. i was already sure i was gonna give up on those exams so i just sat at the table and watched you study. you've always been much smarter than me. all im good for is painting a picture (of misery).

i have a ticket to the oceanarium in here. its taped on and i wrote "one day ill take you here i promise" underneath it. fuck. i never did take you there. it was always too expensive for me.

"a friendship that feels like a bandaid" written over an actual bandaid. i dont remember the wound, but i remember it was you that gave me that bandaid. actually, i think that says more about us than the actual wound. i dont remember how you hurt me, just that it was you who was there with me.

i really ought to burn that little book and kill this ghost once and for all. a tortured spectre of two years and counting. if i haunted you it would at least make sense, in a sadistic kind of way, but i think you barely think of me at all. you deleted all your socials and moved away and told me you'd never reach out to me again - what exactly am i haunting? myself? what a pathetic ghost.

a two year war with no victor. i think i write about you too much, but its lonely in this little town and i can only think of how at least we always had something to do. fuck, i really am spiraling. i think if 'angel' saw all of this they'd flip out - they hate you for what you did. i can't bring myself to feel the same way.

one day i'll burn the page and kill the ghost of us. one day. one day. one day.