happy birthday (belated)

 

happy birthday, mikhail . 20 years and going strong

(at least, for the most part.)

 frankly, this birthday was like many others but also oh so different. it was pivotal, and not just because of the number 20 that i will now stumble over everytime someone asks my age. it was pivotal because really, it showed who i could really hold close.

        if someone loves you, they'll make an effort; i know that in theory, but somehow, that doubt always creeps back. maybes and what ifs. but maybe im getting old or maybe im tired of being stepped on, but this birthday was pivotal indeed.

                if they can't be bothered to read a message correctly and come to a picnic that had been organised a month prior, maybe the problem wasn't exactly with me. and i will forever hold a very small grudge over this, as silly as that seems, because i am nothing but a very vengeful little creature who remembers for longer than he forgives; but i dont want to write about the people who didnt come, who didnt care, and who didnt bother.

so this entry goes to those who did come; who made time, made space, and came through not because they owed me, not because i owed them, but because they wanted to.

    you are like a pack that i hold close and i hope my judgement is correct when i say i can trust you and i can love you; my judgement has failed before and it will fail again, but i do hope at least it can hold off enough for me to enjoy you.

        so to the ones who pushed through long train rides, bought flowers, made food and laughed with me when others couldnt even bother to read an invitation; i love you.

            you are loved by me. i will tell the moon about you. how beautiful you all are, how sweet and kind, and how lucky i am to have you close to me.