red lights, swaying underneath the fake spiderwebs, big black heels stomping on the wooden ground with a bang! bang! bang! - i never thought i'd be one for parties, but maybe i was just thinking of the wrong type of party.
unfortunately, i do love the spotlight. i love the drama, i love the glitz and glamour and the gore, god, i love the gore. last night, what a night; drinks that tasted like shit that i left for someone who wanted them more, makeup smearing with the sweat of dancing under a leather overcoat, the drag queens on stage giving it their all and then some, the music blaring loud and obnoxious and unapolagetic. fake blood and glitter and all that's beautiful in the low light of the neon red and green.
if you'll allow me to get a little sappy for a moment; i think something a lot of young queer people take for granted is community. i think a lot of people are happy with being gay, but they don't put much thought into being queer. if you know the difference, you'll know exactly what i'm talking about.
i have no regrets from last night. despite being invited to stick with an almost entirely gay group, i have no regrets in ditching their drinking and sitting in favour of the queers living it up just in the next room. how can you expect me to sit by in their languid exclusion, avoiding my gaze unless i make a fun remark, when i could be with them? with the queens and the queers and the people who, like me, are strange and over-the-top and non-comforing in all the ways i know and love?
it's not good to be so alone. i've been alone for a great and long time, and i find it hard to connect with people, no matter how similar they are to me. i'm always too strange, too uncomfortable, too big in their space. but underneath the darkness and the red lights and surrounded by people who are just as loud and strange, i for once feel oh, so very welcome. i don't know anyone's names, but i know these are my brothers and sisters and siblings, and i would happily live and die for them.
my point is, i think, there's no joy like queer joy. i want to look through a magic mirror that takes me back to when i was 14, and i want to look at that little kid who did his makeup and teased their hair in their room at night, hiding away and hoping one day he'll be able to wear that out, and i wanna hold his hands and i want to tell him; do you know what happened last night? i'll tell you. look, a beautiful drag queen with black hair and dressed in leopard print saw you. you were minding yourself, dancing in the dark in your makeup and your leather overcoat that you'll come to wear everywhere, and she's gonna hold her hand out to you, and without thinking about it, you'll take it. and she's gonna take you up on the stage and invite you to dance the last half a minute of the song with her, and you will give it your best shot. and the fans are waving at you now, and the bright lights are on you and the cheering is maddening, and the feeling is like every drug in the world at once multiplied by a supernova. and you are beautiful and queer and over-the-top, and you are loved; for that small moment on that dancefloor, you are loved.
be strange. be scary. be off-putting. take up space, snarl, yowl, scream, wave your arms in the air and smile wide enough that your sharp teeth can catch the light. be queer, be a monster, and be oh, so very beautiful, not despite, but because you are all of those things.
i don't think i could take all this excitement everyday, i also need a whole lot of rest today; i want to get cosy and have some tea and write away the day. it's raining and my voice is half-gone from shouting last night, and i think i'll take a week before i do anything large and exciting again. but for now, i want to write this all down so i don't forget what happened here last night, and to hopefully inspire at least one of you to be queerer than you already are.
i leave you some more pictures from my costume; it's not much of a costume, this is just a more elaborate version of my everyday look, but forgive me. next year will be better.
bite me. i love you so, very much.
november 1st, 2025,
mikey <3
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