24 hours of Loveletter EP. have you heard it yet? did you like it?
this was such a rollercoaster for me. blood sweat and tears and also a sore throat at one point. i think i improved a lot during the making of this EP - the struggle was a part of learning. i think it also cemented it in my head that yes, this is something i want to do.
music. this project in general. i want to learn, i want to improve, i want to put my time and my love into this and i want to see where it takes me. i'll never be a rockstar, but if at least one person hears my words and finds some meaning in them, that'll be enough for me. i want to make art my own way, the way my heart tells me to - and for the first time, i have something that's my own. i don't have anyone pressuring me to make music a certain way, this is all mine. the songs in this Loveletter are directed at someone very dear to me, but they were born of me and me alone; my own words, my own concoction of sounds. my art. from my heart to yours.
ah, that's so sappy, isn't it? forget what i said. i want to break down the tracks for you.
- Crazy For You -
ah the opening track. 01 <3
'crazy for you' is an appropriate start to Loveletter, or at least, i hope it is. it's slow, heady, and almost lulling. i wanted it to feel like a trip to the old windmill at night; like stargazing and making out in the bedroom with the lights off, trying to be quiet so your parents won't hear us. 'shotgun kisses, married in the 80's' ... leaning over the passenger seat to kiss the driver, who dresses a bit old-fashioned but it suits them so well. all curly-haired and doe-eyed. ah <3...
i wanted this track to feel very Dollanganger-esque - her music, along with Ethel Cain, have become a huge inspiration for me and i wanted to pay homage to that while still giving it my own seasoning. i don't want to fall into the comfort of just copying someone else's art, but i think i managed to give it a sort of Dollanganger-esque aftertaste while still making it, well, 'mine.'
also, yes, that's audio from My Bloody Valentine (the original, and in my opinion, the best version). for no particular reason, other than that it's appropriate for a february-themed song. valentines and all that.
- Little Death -
track 02. the bane of my existence but also a welcome surprise.
'little death' took a surprising amount of finicking to get right. the chorus wasn't hitting well at all and honestly, i was considering scrapping it and just starting over with a fresh slate, but i think i managed to make it work at the last minute.
'little death' was hard to write i think. it's hard to describe the anxiety that it talks about. it's about wanting to enjoy things, wanting to experience pleasure, wanting so very badly to feel good, but not allowing yourself that grace. i don't know, to this very day, who i'm asking to 'grant me a little death' - i don't know if it's the person on the dominant end, or if i'm begging myself. it's hard to tell.
i love the backing vocals on this one a lot. i'm really happy with that part. and i like the chorus - which is ironic, because that's the part that was giving me a hard time, but it's grown on me quite a bit. hah.
- Cannibal's Interlude -
track 03. not much to discuss here... it's an interlude. hahaha.
taking a break from some of the more... heavy lyrics. sort of. i think i wanted to lighten the mood a bit but i just couldn't help myself. it's a small disclaimer in a way; 'i don't want to scare you, but also, this is exactly what you've signed up for. can you handle that? can you handle me?'
this song also feels a bit like a callback to some of the first things i ever tried to write. the instrumental is very reminiscent of my first-and-forgotten music project (if you remember iseesirius, congratulations, you deserve financial compensation. it's like this, but only a million times worse quality.)
'i'm an eyesore, but i'm your boy'. i couldn't have said it better myself.
- Horse-Rider Lullaby -
track 04. ahh *dreamy sigh* ...
'horse-rider lullaby' is my favourite song off the album. there's no other way to say it. it's slow and gloomy in a similar way to 'crazy for you', but it's got this edge of almost fantastical horror to it. it's one of those rare moments where i feel like i really tapped into 'my' sound, if that makes sense. after the interlude, we escape from the world of delinquent kisses and repressed pleasure and fall into this sleepy, story-like romantic fantasy...
i'm quite used to placing myself in the shoes of monsters and reapers and framing that as a romantic thing. finding the beauty in the grotesque and whatnot. i think there's something really important about finding some empathy for the monsters, and i think this is my way of doing that. this romantic, almost erotic calling out for something to take you away, someplace better - i find some comfort in putting myself in the shoes of a being who does just that. i have a bit of a saviour complex, i guess, but i was never treated as an angel, so a reaper is the closest i can get.
i think overall it's a very visual song - it tells a story pretty clearly. where 'crazy for you' is grounded in reality, 'horse-rider lullaby' is a trip into a storybook-gothic-romance. *dreamy sigh*
i also love whatever i did with the vocals. i've talked about this before, i hate the sound of my voice - i know it's not half as bad as i think it is, but dysphoria really changes the way you see yourself, and i struggle a lot with finding a comfortable range to sing in that doesn't make me... you know, *retching sounds*. but i think i did here. also again, the backing vocals are something else. for once, good job, me.
- Wolf Call (Reprise) -
track 05. and a bit of a lore moment.
'wolf call (reprise)' is not a reprise of my own song - it's one of my partner's. for (i believe? don't quote me haha) our first anniversary, they wrote me a song. it was the first time someone had written for me, about me. 'always the artist, never the muse' or whatever they say, you know?
i never saw anyone just write a song because they wanted to - not because they wanted to become famous, not because they had grown up in it, just because... they wanted to. it really changed the way i looked at music - it wasn't just something the rich kids and the label hounds did. anyone could make music just because... they like music.
(obviously, i knew that anyone could make music. i'd heard about countless indie artists who started out in their bedrooms, and i was sort-of friends with local bands who got bigger over time, but it seemed so unattainable to that teenager with nothing but grainy headphones and a laggy pc. they could do it, but i never thought i could, too.)
'wolf call', that first song that they wrote and dragged me to the park to listen to together - beneath the february clouds and the white sunlight, watching expectantly for my reaction while i had my entire worldview changed in about six minutes... that's why i started writing in the first place. that's why i'm still making music now - not to become famous, not to impress anyone, but because i want to and i can. 'wolf call' is what started this project, and it only seems fair to pay homage to it - to reprise it, not from the prince's point of view, but the wolf himself this time. i can only apologise for the lack of ukulele on this one - i'm afraid that's my beloved's specialty, not mine.
i also fashioned 'wolf call (reprise)' from one of the first ever songs i ever tried to write - i found it at the bottom of some files labeled 'OLD - NEED REWORKING'. it used to be called 'hounding', and now it's found new life. from the muse, to the first draft, and into this reprise.
- Southern Boy From Hell -
track 06 - the bonus track and a last-minute love song.
i wrote 'southern boy from hell' on the highway. driving down south in the summer, in an absolutely ungodly heat and with a mean attitude. it's basically just a whole song of me throwing a fit and complaining about my in-laws, all while swooning for their son at the same time. hah. hahaha!
the south has an array of memories for me, and more than half of them are horrible. it's a place i grew up in, and i grew up hard and battered and bruised. but there's been some pearls in there, and one of them is the southern boy that carved out a little space for me in that hell. it's a simple story from beginning to end. <3
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